CAUTION: The events described on this page happened in 2005, and may, therefore, be unsuitable for those with weak constitution. For the rest of you, this page has been preserved for historical purposes, with only minor edits (such as the addition of the year to the "when"). Spoiler alert: It was a fun and memorable event, and we still seem to like each other.

You have been wondering for years whether it would ever happen. Many of you have heard the news, but are wondering whether it's true. Yet others believe the news, but wonder whether there will be crab cakes and little wieners-on-a-stick. Still others have no idea who Jed and Andrea are, and just found this site via google, but wonder whether you can crash this party...

Well, wonder no longer! This page is your all-in-one guide to the wedding day. Presenting:

The Andrea and Jed are Getting Got Married FAQ.


  1. who?
  2. what?
  3. when?
  4. where?
  5. how?
  6. why?
  7. umm...

1. Who?

1.1 Who is getting married?
Andrea and Jed. For those that have met one and not the other, a few fictitious biographical details are in order. Jed Wing was disbarred from public service after the Nixon administration, but continues to plot world domination from beneath a rainbow umbrella. He may be seen here engaging in eloquent discourse with the local flora of Montreal.

Andrea Hasenstaub recently escaped from the basement laboratory of a mad scientist, and was inspired to someday create a lab of her own. Observe and be impressed as she sends a top-secret communiqué to her feral legions.

1.2 Who's that again?
If that didn't jog your memory, you're at the wrong page.
1.3 Who's marrying them?
Under Colorado law, a couple may solemnize their own marriage without recourse to any religious or civil authority.
1.4 Who else is involved?
Well... hopefully, you! Very likely, you, like the other participants in the event will fall into one of the following categories:
  • family
  • friends
  • friends of family
  • family of friends
  • children of friends (actually future friends, they just don't know it yet)
  • children of family (ditto)
  • some random guy from the Internet
Trust me. All the cool rats will be there, and they've personally assured me that they will laugh at you if you don't attend.

2. What?

2.1 What should I wear?
If you'd like to be inconspicuous, you could wear a suit or a dress, although we don't particularly care which. There's not going to be a bouncer, though, so wear what you like. The ceremony and reception are both outside, so stilettos, while amusing, are not recommended.
2.2 Well, what will you wear?
Andrea will be wearing a dress. The groom will be wearing nothing but a hat and cufflinks.
2.3 What will I eat?
We're serving dinner. Also beer. The tables will probably have floral arrangements of some sort, though we honestly can't recommend that you plan on eating them, since some types of flowers are poisonous to your species. (There will be vegetarian food. Let us know if there's anything unusual about your species' dietary requirements.)
2.4 What will Andrea's new name be?
Same as it ever was. Jed, however, will henceforth be identified only as "01FA2A1CF67B5FB863".
2.5 What will you be doing for a honeymoon?
Questions are a burden to others, answers a prison for oneself. (Translation: We haven't planned it yet.)
4/25/05 Updated: We're going to Rome for a week.
2.6 What will the weather be like?
It's likely to be sunny and comfortably warm (70-85 degrees Fahrenheit),'s Colorado, so roll 1d20 and consult Table 1: Weather. There is, for example, a measurable chance of hail.
2.7 What if it rains?
If it rains, we'll move the ceremony and reception to the adjacent barn.

3. When?

3.1 When is the wedding?
The wedding is Saturday, June 4 (2005), at 3 PM. The reception begins immediately afterward.
3.2 When is the end of the wedding?
The reception will finish by 9 PM. We promise.
Better Not Tell You Now
3.4 When does the spawning start?
Lone Hawk Farms includes a scenic pond, easily deep enough to cover the first person who asks us any version of this question. (2/11/05 Updated: Also deep enough to cover the second person to ask us any version of this question. You don't even want to know what happened to the first guy.)

4. Where?

4.1 Where is the wedding?
The wedding is at Lone Hawk Farms, in Longmont, Colorado. This is the exact site of Napoleon's infamous defeat at Waterloo. Do you believe that?
4.2 Where is the reception?
The reception will occur at the farm as well.
4.3 Where should I stay?
There is a room block at the Longmont Courtyard Marriott. The cost is $89/night for Friday and Saturday nights, for up to four people, and the rooms are blocked until May 6. Call 1 303 682 1166, and tell them it's for the Wing-Hasenstaub wedding.

The ambitious and organized might instead choose to share a vacation house, or possibly camp. Otherwise, Longmont has a number of scenic city parks, some of which have park benches, and unlike park benches in some cities, these can each sleep a full-grown adult! Enjoy!

5. Why?

5.1 Why are you getting married?
1,138 is the number of benefits and provisions applying to married people that cannot be created for non-married partners by a lawyer. (jed: I suspect that Andrea has plans to harvest my organs if I am irreparably damaged, for which she might need power of attorney...)
5.2 No, really, why are you getting married?
Because mawwidge is a dweam wivvin a dweam, don'tcha know.
5.3 Why are you getting married in colorado?
MATLAB says it's the centroid of our guest list. Also see 1.3

6. How?

6.1 And you may ask yourself "How did I get here?"
6.2 And you may ask yourself "How do I get there?"
6.2.1 By airplane to Denver
The nearest airport is Denver International Airport (airport code DEN). JetBlue and Frontier both sell tickets from the coasts to Denver for about $250.
6.2.2 Denver to Longmont
Shuttles connect Longmont with the airport for $20-$25 one way, or $40 round trip.
6.2.3 Longmont to the wedding
Longmont isn't a walking town, so it's easiest to rent a car and drive. Not-driving seems to run in Andrea's family, though, so we're planning to try and provide a ride for anyone who doesn't have one; if you're interested in this, let Andrea or her mother (vickieh at know. There aren't any bus or train routes, so you'll need to plan to walk, drive, bike, or be driven.

7. Umm...

7.1 Umm... I have more questions.
Andrea and Jed have gmail addresses (andrea.hasenstaub and jed.wing at, respectively), and they both still check their ugcs accounts. (andrea: When ugcs is up, that is, and assuming our accounts don't get deleted...safest to use gmail.)
7.2 Umm... I can't figure out whether to phrase my question in terms of who, what, when, where, how, or why.
Hmm... That's a dilemma. You may just have to read the whole document.
7.3 Umm... Did you maybe have any other pictures I could look at?
Well, I guess a few more wouldn't hurt.
7.4 Umm... Wait, I think I had a question, no, wait, no... Yes! No. No, nevermind. I was going to ask who's getting married.
That's all the time we have for today; thanks for joining us!